Technology is the butter melting into every nook and cranny of our lives. Think Thomas’ English Muffin commercials with the butter slowly dissolving into the soft spongy muffin. Salivate. That’s how you feel about technology whether you’re aware of it or not. We’re hooked on it’s sultry, sweet, salty grip, we’re bathing in its warmth not really knowing what it will do to us, to our behaviors, our thoughts, our relationships. It seems so harmless. Well, too much butter can kill a person, so let’s assume by some elementary logic that something far more complicated than cream and salt ought to be consumed in moderation. (And I must warn you that such “elementary logic” should be used in moderation too as it can lead to chronic pessimism).

If there’s one piece of technology that needs an update on its usage rules it’s that versatile, socially adept, devious little device, your cell phone.

1. Your cell phone should never be in bed with you. It should be on silent on a night stand, however, it should be more than an arms length away from you. If it’s flashing or vibrating it shouln’t be a reach away because you will always reach for it. You want to make it inconvenient for yourself. If it’s a call or email or text worth getting, you should have to work for it. If you’re a real master of self control and, perhaps, an exquisite bedmate, you shouldn’t let your phone into your bedroom at all; keep it on the console by the door to your house/apt. Your phone will never make you orgasm but it will interrupt one.
2. When you leave your bedroom in the morning your phone should not follow you to the breakfast table. Don’t think you’re going to read the newspaper on your phone with your toast and coffee; you’ll end up on emails and Facebook before you know it. Get a real newspaper or that magazine you’ve been neglecting to open. And work on your breakfast making skills.
3. When you go to the bathroom don’t take your phone (even if you consider the bathroom your “office”). When you’re shampooing your hair and that oh-so-important call or text you’ve been waiting for comes through it’s not worth interrupting those brilliant shower-ideas or when you’re hitting that high note in preparation for your debut on American Idol. Even on the toilette, finish the newspaper, finish reading that novel or clip your toe nails but don’t worry about the photo you were tagged in or some video game that will probably decrease your IQ by the time you flush the toilette. And don’t worry about those emails until you get to your real office. The bathroom is your personal space, keep it sacred, keep the phone out. Plus, studies are showing that cell phones interrupt proper bowel movements.
4. Driving….when you pick up your phone to answer that text message while driving you might as well be taking a long swig off a pint of whiskey. Don’t drink and drive, don’t text and drive. A handsfree headset does the trick for talking (the old fashion phone device). People have been dying on the roads because of texting, that’s a fact. And if you see a driver creeping over the crosswalk while texting, his eyes darting from phone to you to phone, give him an ear full of go-fuck-yourself-textaholic! Don’t be bashful.
5. At work… it depends on your job. Your phone can make you into a task master, it can help you be great at your job. And it’s also a sneaky place to waste time and escape you work. So ask yourself: can I do my job at work without my cell phone? If the answer is yes (BE HONEST), keep your phone hidden deep in a draw or bag. If the answer is no, have it on vibrate on the side of your desk. Don’t keep your phone in your pocket or on your hip, unless someone’s life depends on it.
6. It’s not your skin… If your leg or hip tingles when your cell phone is not there, if you feel different when your phone escapes your personal electromagnetic field, then you’re a slave to your phone. Fact is that your body does become accustom to the different electronic waves that move around your phone and many people experience a tingle or muscle twitch where your phone is located. You don’t want to wear your phone like it’s your underwear.
7. When traveling/commuting… another birthplace of the world’s greatest ideas and dreams. Turn that piece of plastic off and stuff it in your bag. It’s time to contemplate. Forget “connecting” to other people, connect with your damn self otherwise we’ll be a bunch of ghosts connecting with other ghosts.
8. Last but not least, you can appreciate your phone but don’t fall in love with it. Keep it platonic. You don’t need to hate it either, it’s a nice phone.
9. Excuse me while I take this call.

Related posts:

1. Stopping by to remember the payphone and give it some love again